A romance free year: October

T/W: Domestic abuse

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” — Brené Brown

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I shared my story. Then my abuser contacted me.

I am in Florida, desperately missing the fall foliage, and shocked that we are already so close to the end of this series. If you’ve been following along, you know that I fell in love with the most incredible human on the face of this earth.

They are magical and a big part of why I was able to look back on one of the darkest times in my life. I placed my truth here, which you are welcome to read. And in doing so, I tried very hard to own the things I believe belong on my side of the street.

I was by no means a healthy, stable or even a safe partner, while in the relationship I now know was abusive. But in doing loads of therapy, soul searching and healing these past few years, I’ve come to know a few things. Some of which are as follows:

• You never deserve to have your sense of safety stolen.
• Nothing you do or say causes someone to break a bone or harm you irrevocably. Them doing the breaking is not for you to take ownership over.
• Your story is just that, yours. It belongs to you and you can do with it as you please, regardless of what anyone says on the matter.

People, like my father, would prefer me to remain silent on I’m sure what he would title “inappropriate dinner table conversation”. Except, I’ve been a writer before I’ve been anything else. I’ve rushed to journals and penned imagery across my limbs in permanent ink. I have left voice recordings for myself while driving in the car because it’s what writers do.

Almost every one of my idols has reminded me that telling my truth is not meant to make those around me comfortable. Its sole purpose is to provide healing, for me and maybe even others. So it was a tad naive of me to wish my abuser would reach out and congratulate me on my bravery. Those who have harmed us in the ways that title us victims or survivors don’t want us to be happy. They have no interest in claiming their part in the wrongdoing.

But our abusers don’t get to claim our truth anymore. When he reached out, he made false accusations and attempted, just like before, to burn my sense of safety to the ground. If you are someone who has needed to block a person, or persons, from gaining access to you for your own protection, I am so sorry. If you’ve hit your knees in guttural and intense pain, sure it would never pass, I see you. There is light at the end of the tunnel, even when the darkness is so very bleak.

But now I want to address the person, or persons, who notified my abuser of the piece I wrote. He is blocked on everything. Every. Single. Damn. Thing. And I’ve been living in just over three years of bliss. There is a peace that comes with no longer assuming every unsaved number or unknown caller ID belongs to him. And you, whoever you are, stole that serenity. Maybe you are his friend or family member. Maybe you love him. I don’t really care either way. Because you have now identified yourself amongst the group of humans who do not believe survivors.

Again, let me reiterate that I was in no way, shape, or form, an ideal significant other back when I had my arm broken. I was disrespectful as he threw things at me. I was challenging, to say the least, while he pinned me down and told me not to move. If I raised my voice, he ridiculed me. When I stayed silent, he’d sexually assault me. But nothing I did or said that contributed to the lack of safety in that relationship warrants any of the above happening to me or to anyone.

So thank you for reminding me just how hard I’ve worked to develop a sense of calm in my life. I truly do appreciate you allowing me to see that me sharing my truth is a choice. And it’s one I will make again and again.

To those who have rebuilt themselves after someone has done their very best to tear you to the ground. Trust me when I say you never have to feel alone again. And they never get to claim power over you. Not anymore. You know your truth. Hold on to it, even when they are banging at your door, screaming that it’s all your fault.

They are the ones playing dress-up. They wear the costume of a loving partner out in public, but at home, we know what they are truly made of. Stay safe, stay certain and stay here, with us. And block the fuck out of every access point they try and reach you through.

A romance free year: September

Find more relationship articles here >

Written by Tori Muzyk

Illustrated by Francesca Mariama