Food.
A source of energy.
But what happens to your body, mind and soul when you deprive yourself of this necessity?
In this article, I’ll take you on a journey of how I, a self-proclaimed chubby girl, developed food anxiety and how I’ve slowly overcome it.
First of all, what is food anxiety?
Food anxiety is the constant worry about the consequences of food to your body, which leads to food avoidance. Also known as ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), individuals tend to hyper-focus on their calorie intake, fear they are being judged or will gain excessive weight, so avoid food. Some may also have a fear of texture, choking or an allergic reaction.
For me, food anxiety developed from issues with my self-image. I’ve always been chubbier than my peers, which didn’t always bother me. But as I got older and my body changed, I felt this extreme need to lose weight to feel happy.
So how did my food anxiety develop?
I don’t want to blame anyone because this is an issue I’ve developed on my own accord but I was raised in a Caribbean household where there was so much pressure to look a certain way, I became conscious of my weight from a young age. Even before I hit puberty I was told “I was getting big” and “if I just lost a little here and there” I would look better.
In my head, I looked absolutely fine. I didn’t care that I had chubby cheeks or that my thighs were thicker than my peers. They say sticks and stones may break your bones… but to me, words hurt just as much. It caused my self-esteem to weaken and made me question if I was fat.
Unfortunately, I used food as a weapon to manage this. At first, I cut out quick oven meals, fast food and fizzy drinks which was easy. Although, once I saw the weight drop off I began to test myself to see what else I could eradicate. Throughout university, I lived as a pescatarian as an excuse to control my eating. It was a constant cycle of avoiding particular food groups in hopes that I would shed a pound or two.
Food was my weapon of destruction.
My enemy.
The fact that losing weight and being slim is so celebrated, I didn’t see the issue with how I was eating. I was still a decent weight and I looked healthy but in retrospect, I know I was malnourished and on the brink of a full-fledged eating disorder. I had gotten to a place so dark that I prayed there was a non-digestible way to produce energy instead of eating.
My eureka moment
For years I battled with my body image and anxious eating. Shying away from social events as a way to hide my ‘chubby body’ and weird eating habits. It wasn’t until after I left university, where I was at my thinnest, did I finally accept that something wasn’t quite right.
I was ordering clothes two sizes too big because I had developed a warped reality of what my body looked like. In my head, I was a healthy size 16, when in reality, I could easily fit into a size 12. I knew something had to be done, I wasn’t ‘crazy’ but I definitely wasn’t mentally stable. Through research, I discovered I had undiagnosed Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which was a knock-on effect of my eating issues. Together, these conditions were taking over my day-to-day life, but I was adamant to overcome them.
So, how am I dealing with it?
Through further research, I found that food anxiety can be treated through therapy, medication, counselling and support groups. But I wanted to self-soothe before taking the step to ask for external help. For this reason, I chose to journal all of my thoughts associated with food anxiety. As an aspiring writer, I noticed writing out my thoughts when in stressful situations always helped me. To be honest, 95% of the words I wrote on paper were negative. Many nods to my early childhood came up repeatedly, from being teased as an infant about my chubbiness to my preteen years when family members would comment on my prepubescent body.
My issues started way before I was able to understand that my childlike body wouldn’t be permanent. Before I was knowledgeable about food nutrition and the positives of experiencing new foods. I had had enough, so I decided to write three positive affirmations about food to skyrocket myself to a place where I could enjoy food, my body and the constant fluctuation of inevitable weight changes.
1. “I have a positive relationship with food”
I had to retrain my brain into believing that food wasn’t just for weight gain. It was a source of energy, new experiences and a gateway into different cultures. There were so many cuisines I had not tried due to my ‘picky’ eating so now I’m on a journey of trying any and everything. #PrawnBiriyani
2. “Words cannot and should not hurt me”
It was the constant remarks that were killing my relationship with food. As soon as I got into the headspace that words were a weak weapon, I was able to laugh at whoever dared to comment on what my body looked like.
3. “I will become knowledgeable about nutrition”
One of my issues was my lack of knowledge of different food groups and their benefits. What was fibre? Where can I find it? And what are the benefits of it within my body? It’s still an ongoing process of what is good or considered ‘bad’ but it’s all about trial and error. I was, however, able to discover I had a wheat intolerance, and pasta was my enemy, not food as a whole. #BloatQueen
My food anxiety is still prominent but not as strong as it was in my younger years. Like anything I do in life, I am trying to handle it using logical solutions. I may not be the biggest foodie to ever grace the earth, but I am now at a point where I’m not shivering at the thought of restaurant dates or taking a bite of a subway cookie.
As I stated in Seven bad habits that were sabotaging me, personal growth is a subject I’m very much invested in. There isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not thinking about my growth and how I can evolve as a person. Nakisha 1 – Food Anxiety 0 🙂
If you have any tips to help me on my journey or share the same issues I am facing, DM @NakishaTalbot on Instagram.
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Written by Nakisha Talbot
Illustrated by Francesca Mariama
