Having separated parents can affect us more than we realise. If things aren’t amicable between them, we can find ourselves hiding behind a facade. We ‘cut people off’ to avoid rejection, we’re unable to express our emotions and lack important boundaries. The reality is, we all want to love and be loved but somehow, along the way, we seem to get this muddled up.
We can also put pressure on ourselves to get to an ‘end destination’ with how we feel towards our parents’ separation. It’s commonplace to think “one day, I can’t wait to no longer have these feelings” or mask how we really feel about it all. But rather than dealing with the situation in an unhealthy way, we can embrace the process and change our perspective.
Here are a few ways to handle your parents’ separation:
1. Not everything that happens to your parents will happen to you
Growing up with separated parents can cause some of us to live in fear. We often face the brunt of our parents’ relationship and the hardship of it all can put us off from having our own. For some of us, it feels like we’re personally going through the separation, having to carry the emotions and conflict between our parents for the majority of our lives.
The question I often found myself asking was, “what if what happened to my parents, happens to me?” As a result, I would always run from commitment, not knowing that the power was in my mindset. I needed a shift to be able to experience real emotions freely and to come out of a place of fear.
Pushing away from a repetitive cycle means trying our best to be better for our future. Being patient with those we love and learning from our parents. I’ve also found that people project their fears and doubts onto us and we can allow that to absorb us and be our own outlook. No one’s story is your story and that is your power.
2. Boundaries: Learning what you can and can’t accept
This can be a difficult one given the nature of family dynamics. But if your parents are in a disagreement, you might find yourself in the middle and are unsure of what to do or how to feel. In some cases, it may just require you to be a good listener. You don’t need to have all the answers and you probably never will. But if you find that you’re in the middle of a verbal battle, setting boundaries can help you keep a healthy relationship and state of mind. Explain that you’re here to support both but also need to set limits on what you’re comfortable with.
3. Piggy in the middle: Pressure to take sides
Often you may find that you’re the ‘piggy in the middle’ and have to take sides. But you have to remember that you’re the child, not the referee. For peace sake, it may seem easier to side with a parent or be mute altogether but both can be very distressing. Speaking up about how you feel and making it clear to both parents that you equally love them may help to ease this pressure.
4. Your family is complete: It’s exactly the way it needs to be
For a long time, I always thought my family wasn’t complete. Why couldn’t I live with both parents? Why can’t everyone be happy? I didn’t understand or knew what a father-daughter relationship looked like and sometimes felt quite alien from it all. Quite often you want that picture-perfect family when, in fact, your family are who you need them to be. There is no life manual on how to be a parent. We learn vital lessons from them that make us into who we are today. See these lessons as blessings.
There are no right and wrong answers on how to feel about separation and separation impacts every individual differently. There is no need to feel pressure about it but instead, allow yourself to be the difference. Whether we want to admit it or not, most of us yearn for that good parent-relationship and I hope this article helps to push that forward.
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Written by Hannah Davis
Illustrated by Francesca Mariama
