Setting boundaries with friends isn’t the easiest thing to do. Although it can seem like an excuse to drive people away, it isn’t at all the case. A boundary is a limitation or a line set between you and another person to clearly establish what’s allowed when you’re around each other and what’s not.
Although society is governed by boundaries we universally recognise, as we grow and learn more about ourselves and the world, we become more aware of what we do and don’t like. Yet, with this newfound perception often comes the difficulty of communicating our needs to others.
But why is this? Shouldn’t we respect ourselves enough to create our own boundaries, instead of leaving negativity, resentment and passive-aggressiveness to thrive in its place?
The benefits of setting boundaries
Setting boundaries with friends allows you to feel valued. Not only has the other person taken the time and energy to accommodate your needs, but this action will strengthen your friendship in the long-run.
It also ensures you feel more relaxed. You won’t have to worry about causing friction or walking on eggshells because you feel uncomfortable. Boundaries let people around you know how best to connect with you.
Finally, it enables you to become a better friend. Out of fear, many of us hold onto issues in our friendships rather than addressing them head-on, but not telling the other person can do more harm than good. Once you communicate your limitations and are accommodated, you can let go of the negativity and feel a lot better towards the other person.
When to put a boundary in place
Boundaries naturally occur after spending time with someone. However, this isn’t always the case, so if necessary, you might have to take charge. Below are some examples of when it’s time to put a boundary in place.
The late friend
This person always turns up late. This may not seem like a big deal to them but it is to you. A boundary should be set as this person is being selfish by not considering your time and is disrespecting you by continuing to do so.
The friend that rarely checks-in
This person assumes you’re the ‘strong friend’ and never asks how you’re doing but expects you to always be there for them. Our mental health is affected every day and with most of us living busy, hectic lives, our emotional well-being can be fragile. It’s important that the people we’re always there for are also reciprocating this energy. So if you feel like you’re never on the receiving end, it’s time to talk.
The negative Nancy
This person is overly critical and always has something to say about you. (I think this is a major red flag in any setting, whether that be amongst family members or in a romantic relationship.) A true and close friend is supposed to call you out when you’ve done wrong. But if they’re always chipping away at your lifestyle choices with no real cause for concern then you need to call them out on their toxic behaviour.
How to go about setting a boundary
When setting boundaries, we should pay attention to how we come across. This is because our tone and how we communicate these limitations can be taken the wrong way if it’s delivered incorrectly.
For instance, going in head-first, guns blazing to tell your friend what they’ve done that you don’t like isn’t the best way. Coming across as harsh can create unnecessary animosity and make your friendship feel tense going forward.
Instead, you can hold off until the behaviour that bothers you occurs again then bring it up in a calm but straight-forward tone. You can say how you don’t like it when they do *blank* or I have been feeling *blank* lately. Also, try to reference the past to show them that you’re not overreacting.
But if the right situation hasn’t come around or the person has done something that you don’t know how to move forward from, that’s different. Think of it as a flashing red warning sign that can only stop once it’s been addressed. This could be in-person or over a phone call.
What if there’s still no change?
If the person’s behaviour continues or even worse, they try to gaslight you by making you feel guilty for speaking up, then your boundaries are clearly not being respected. That’s a sign that this person may not care for you as much as you do for them. Why would you be going through the hassle of setting boundaries if you don’t want the relationship to work?
So, if this happens, socially distance yourself from the person and see if they eventually come round. If they don’t, then quite simply, you shouldn’t want them around. Don’t feel disheartened as there are plenty of other people who will meet you in the middle and making friends in your 20s are the best years to make meaningful relationships. Remember, you deserve happiness and healthy friendships so go where you’re appreciated!
Find more self-improvement articles here >
Written by Ruka Akorede
Illustrated by Francesca Mariama
