For centuries, sex has been associated with taboo and secrecy. As we now live in a hyper-sexualised society, I feel it’s important that women are able to be as raw and open about their experiences as possible.
Here is a list of what sex has and is still teaching me.
1. Sex is subjective and nobody is an expert
Some of us bleed for the first time and some of us don’t. Some women see virginity as a patriarchal concept whilst others see it as a scared part of their faith. From hook up culture to marriage, it’s important that we aren’t enforcing our personal preferences on others. Sex is a subject that has always instigated a level of curiosity – curiosity is good but nothing good has ever come from comparison.
2. Sex can get messy
It can get slimly, smelly and sticky. We’re all humans; we sweat, excrete and produce different types of bodily odours. This is totally normal and to a certain extent, healthy. Do not be fooled by cinematic lit rooms and fresh rose petals! Sometimes it’s only human you release wind when faced on all fours, swallow a lengthy amount of your partner’s saliva or produce a foamy type of discharge during intercourse. The awkward slip outs and sudden manoeuvres are all part of the package!
Asking “is it even in yet?” or “what should I do with my hands?” are commonly shared first-time experiences. Although there is no shame in the smells, noises or faces we make, setting hygiene boundaries with your partner is a viable option. Even if it’s a one-off, ask yourself “have I come prepared?”.
3. Get to know your own body
Let’s talk about the orgasm gap – your orgasm isn’t an option ladies. Make note of your own erogenous areas and make them known to yourself and your partner. What types of foreplay do you like? Be honest. How much of your own body are you willing to explore? Lube is a great facilitator but practising sex is key to developing your own rhythm and pace.
Make space for healthy sex drives but don’t ignore messages your body sends regarding rest and recuperation. Getting to know your body is also knowing what you feel comfortable consenting to; no means no and granny pants vs. lingerie is your final decision to make.
4. Educate yourself
From the different types of contraception to safe sex, people always ask “why does it end up being so political?”. As beautiful as the act may be, it can become a place where past trauma and shame reappears or where sex becomes associated with something dirty and triggering.
Some of us are left wondering whether we consented to experiences or even enjoyed them. This is the burden many women have to carry. We must be mindful of these consequences. Self-acceptance is a journey that should never be denied. We must remember it’s okay to have sex with the lights off. There is nothing wrong with you if you’re still battling to accept your body or if you have no interest in sex as a whole.
One can note that the social media world we live in provides us with great outlets such as Village Auntie, Lalaletmeexplain and Evyan Whitney that help break stereotypes surrounding sexuality, femininity and relationships. There are no right or wrong answers here, it’s just important that we embrace the not so glamorous but empowering journey of sex.
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Written by Saheera Ausaluth
Illustrated by Francesca Mariama
