How to deal with confrontation when you're not the confrontational type

When I say I RUN from confrontation? As in, I’M OUT! I don’t want to know. The feeling makes me tight, confused, uncomfortable and I can’t think straight. Over the years, if an issue arose, depending on the situation I’d either not speak up, squash it quickly, or just learn to deal with it internally. But of recent, I’ve been in downright disrespectful situations that I knew I wouldn’t be able to get past unless I addressed it. I wouldn’t be able to act like everything was okay and the person would think what they did was acceptable. So, unfortunately for me, I had to confront them.

How did I deal with it?

1. Understand that confrontation isn’t a bad thing

I always saw confrontation as a bad thing. And I think many people would agree. It’s said that the fear of confrontation stems from anxiety, false assumptions or childhood trauma. I’m not sure where exactly mine comes from (maybe a mix of all three?) but secondary school was definitely a big factor.

I was part of a big friendship group that would have periodic ‘circle of truth’ sessions to hash out any inevitable problems, which had pent up during the school term. Really, it was just a way for people to attack, single out and turn against one person in the group they all had a problem with.

Thankfully, since then, I’ve come to realise that productive confrontation has more positives than negatives. Confronting someone respectfully and with purpose allows you to explain your feelings and your thought process. If anything, your relationships will be more open and trusting going forward.

2. List what you might gain from speaking up

Write down what you can achieve from voicing how you feel. This could be anything from your relationship improving to you becoming happier. Be specific about the things you can gain, and if you ever get scared, just read your list. It’ll hopefully give you the boost you need to express how you feel.

3. Communicate on time

A woman learning how deal with confrontation by communicating on time

Don’t wait around to address an issue. This doesn’t mean you should react without thinking. Instead, prioritise solving the problem so you can get to the root and identify the real issue. Waiting around can intensify the situation or, even worse, allow fear and doubt to set in, which will put you off from speaking up in the first place.

4. Mentally prepare

Fail to plan, plan to fail. Assuming you’re like me and confrontation isn’t your forte then there’s nothing wrong with doing a little prep beforehand. Have a good think and jot down points you’d like to say. Do some background work beforehand – journal your feelings or talk to someone (that’s not involved). Venting will help move out emotion and bring in some much needed clarity.

5. Communicate in a style that works for you

Using body language, reading facial expressions and talking face-to-face is probably the best way to confront someone. However, it’s a lot easier said than done and not everyone feels comfortable doing so. If done well, there’s nothing wrong with writing a letter or sending a text. If the person you’re communicating with really cares about resolving the situation, they’ll be more focused on what you have to say rather than how you’ve said it.

6. Use ‘I’ statements

Finally, ensure you use ‘I’ statements. Instead of saying “You’re XYZ”, use “I feel that you…”. The person feels less attacked and the focus is on how the situation looks and feels from your side. To effectively handle confrontation, the task requires a calm state of mind. It’s far from easy but with anything, baby steps are all it takes!

Find more self-improvement articles here >

Written by Annette Christian

Illustrated by Francesca Mariama