Have you ever wished you could go back and do things differently? Are you the one friend in your crew who says, “hindsight 20/20” more than you’d care to admit? Well, welcome.
I am the queen of fighting between regretting my previous behaviors and believing everything happens for a reason. If I’d known then what I know now, I probably would have done it all different. And yet, everything I’ve done up to this point has gotten me here, and I kind of like it here.
For the second installment of 20 things I wish I’d known in my early 20s, where I use parts of Taylor Swift’s 30 things I learned before turning 30 piece, I bring you her second piece of advice:
Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you
It took me a long ass time to learn that I didn’t need to be everyone’s friend. I can forgive, but not forget, and never let you into my inner circle again. This is a lesson my partner is great at and reminds me of somewhat regularly. I don’t owe everyone my energy. Some people—most people—aren’t going to find me to be all that enjoyable to be around, which, statistically means, I may also find folks not to be my favorite cup of tea.
Being raised female in a society that requires women to be loving, sweet, tolerable, quiet, and approachable took a toll on me. I have always been outspoken and I’ve always been criticized for it. People love to tell me how loud I am. I swear I can’t go a week without someone telling me how intense I am and then quickly complimenting my blue eyes.
I don’t behave the way a ‘young woman is supposed to behave. I’m deliberate, articulate, passionate and unapologetic. I used to think these traits were problems. Mostly because the world placed them on the feedback side of the deck. But they actually belong in the complimentary chest of what makes me, me.
You see, giving someone feedback does not make you rude. Correcting someone when they offend you, intentionally or unintentionally, does not make you unkind. And it definitely doesn’t mean you’re attacking anyone or anything.
The more I look around with this knowledge, the more I witness folks who identify as women staying quiet, hesitant or fearful. It’s the mouth opening just to close right back up again in Zoom meetings or the raised hand and the quick, “nevermind” response that kills me. My father didn’t raise me to grow up to be a polite girl. He didn’t raise me with the intention of me identifying with any gender. Instead, he raised me to be a CEO because that’s what he is. And while this reality caused me to get heartbroken a few times over, I’m also incredibly grateful for it.
The need to be liked was never instilled in me
My dad didn’t prepare me for sexism in the workplace. (And this sucked, I’m not at all saying it didn’t.) But it also meant I was taught to say what was on my mind or interrupt the man who just interrupted me because it wasn’t seen as a gender issue in my house but a respect issue. The need to be liked was also never instilled in me. Mostly, I think, because he is naturally a rather likeable human. But I am biased and he is my dad.
So when I went out into the world and was told by quite a lot of people how much they didn’t like me, it hurt. But it didn’t crush me. I knew I was the one who needed to like me. And there were plenty of times throughout my life that I didn’t. I wanted to get away from myself. But you take you wherever you go.
I wear life like a hula hoop. I choose to trust my gut today and let only a few deserving and beyond caring people into my hula hoop. Everyone else is kept at an arms-length distance and this lets me separate their statements from my truth. It also gives me a clearer view of the field for if and when I need to attack.
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Written by Tori Muzyk
Illustrated by Francesca Mariama
