Dating and relationship advice has always been at the core of our friendships and what we see in the media. We used to flock to television segments, agony magazine aunts and friends for well-needed advice. Now we use social media to get this insight. With one tap, the world of contradictory TikTok dating advice is open to us.
As a technology-driven generation, dating apps and online dating has become normalised yet we still find it hard to decipher the ‘right’ way to date. Perhaps this is why the hashtag ‘dating advice’ has 14.3 billion views on TikTok.
TikTok: Dating red flags
TikTok’s short-form videos can be great for users to find shared dating experiences. Reading the comments and seeing other girls sharing their opinions and horror stories can make you feel validated and less alone. A common trend in these videos is red flags a.k.a. warning signs to watch out for. Awareness of bad traits is useful to know, although attributes such as low effort and bad communication are obvious to most. Nevertheless, the accessibility of social media opens our eyes to the red flags we otherwise could have missed.
Digital PR Strategist Natasha Cooper is very attentive but even she admits that these videos made her lookout for things she was not previously aware of: “The videos I would watch would be like ‘Five things to watch out for in a man’ and I would agree. From there, I would be able to see the red flags much clearer when dating someone.” Whilst she did not mention examples of the red flags she became aware of, it is fair to say this content altered Natasha’s dating experience in a helpful way.
A video by relationship coach, Arrezo Azim demonstrates this by detailing five red flags we should not ignore, including:
- Physical abuse
- Emotional abuse
- Active addiction
This particular video is very encouraging as it highlights the more serious red flags that are not always as obvious at the start of a relationship and can go unnoticed.
To do or don’t: what dating advice on TikTok tells us
While scrolling through dating advice videos, I noticed red flags with the content itself. First of all, most of the videos at the top of the hashtag were made by women and focused on women dating men. It’s fine for other women to share these experiences but what if you’re not exclusively dating men? Second, there is a big emphasis on the dos and don’ts of dating. These can be great if you’re looking for general advice but to paint everyone with the same brush and suggest you shouldn’t go on a coffee date, ice cream date or whatever it may be is insane!
TikTok dating advice is just the tip of a very large iceberg. Toxic trends within these videos can be seen on the hashtag, such as the birth of ‘high-value man/woman’ content. According to the Urban Dictionary, a high-value man fits ‘certain archetypes of an alpha male; or has acquired certain attributes that fit into the currently-desired interpretation of a modern man.’ To simplify, a traditionally masculine man who looks masculine, has dominant traits and earns a high income. The womanly counterpart is a feminine woman who looks pretty, has self-worth and high standards. Well, that is what TikTok says at least.
Feminine vs masculine: is it all bad?
Traditional gender roles are not inherently bad if you want to live that way. What is not right is the influx of podcasters and social commentators telling people that they are not adequate if they do not measure up to these standards. For example, Andrew Tate has become an unironic symbol of the high-value men’s movement. Countless clips of him have millions of views on TikTok where he will criticise women with high body counts or women who do not live in a way he approves.
Mimicking Tate, many other men now give dating advice on TikTok catered towards ‘alpha males’ and finding ‘high-value women’. One video I saw even suggests that a woman’s value is determined by how conservative she is. Aimed at high-value men and women, Love Strategies gives dating advice to attract people of a similar calibre.
Advice in Love Strategies’ ‘Six ways to be a high-value woman men desire’ series says women should be mysterious and unavailable so men find them desirable. Personally, I think someone who appears unavailable, particularly emotionally, is a red flag. So why do these accounts perpetuate that playing games is attractive? It may keep things fresh and exciting in the beginning but once the dust has settled, those unhealthy patterns are going to creep their way into a relationship.
Similarly, I have seen women advising from the perspective of a ‘high-value woman’. From our own gender, it can seem manipulative to give such advice because there is a sentiment that high-value women are independent, yet these videos encourage submissiveness to men. They tell us how to dress and how to articulate ourselves, and if we don’t follow these patterns, we are unfeminine.
The future of dating and social media
Speaking to my friend Noemi Alustio, she put it best when she said: “I wouldn’t take dating advice from TikTok as how you approach and talk to someone varies on the type of person you want to attract. These creators are advertising themselves to get followers and unless someone has credentials, I wouldn’t take them seriously.”
The future of dating is undoubtedly online but I urge you to take back your power. Don’t listen to everything you see on TikTok where dating is concerned. If you become obsessed with how other people in the dating market view you, you’re never going to want to date again!
This Valentines Day, whether you’re single, in a relationship or living your best life, don’t give into online pressure of how you should behave. Follow your own dating protocol and you’ll be fine.
Read ‘Dating without dating apps’
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Written by Sophie Humphrey
Illustrated by Francesca Mariama
