At the start of most loving relationships we’re hopeful strangers, each trying to attract and please one another. We’re unaware of the complexities of our soon to be partner’s character traits and defects. No two people are exactly alike as we’re raised differently and our early childhood experiences influence adult life. It’s very evident that our earliest years have long-standing repercussions, which can explain how childhood trauma affects relationships in adulthood.
What are Adverse Childhood Experiences?
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are stressful or traumatic experiences that occur in childhood. These experiences have long-term effects on the developing brains and physiology of children who are forced to endure them. Its impact was first studied by Dr Vincente Felitti, a physician and chief of Kaiser Permanente’s revolutionary Department of Preventive Medicine in the US in 1995.
The ten ACEs that Felitti identified include:
- Physical abuse
- Emotional abuse
- Sexual abuse
- Physical neglect
- Emotional neglect
- Parental separation/ divorce
- Witnessing domestic violence
- Growing up in a household where adults misuse drugs and alcohol
- Growing up in a household where adults have mental health problems
- Having an incarcerated family member
As well as the ACEs identified in Felitti’s study, other events such as bereavement, bullying, poverty and living in deprived or violent areas can have similar negative effects.
ACEs effects on health and well-being
Around half of all adults, living in England, have experienced at least one form of adversity in their childhood or adolescence. Whereas one in eight of us have experienced four or more. Those that have experienced this are:
- 3 times more likely to smoke and develop lung disease
- 11 times more likely to suffer from drug abuse
- 4.5 times more likely to have low levels of mental well-being
- 6 times more likely to never or rarely feel optimistic
- 3 times more likely to have heart disease, respiratory disease and type two diabetes
- 7 times more likely to be involved in a violent act
- 6 times more likely to have an unplanned teenage pregnancy
- 11 times more likely to have been in prison at any point in their life, and
- 14 times more likely to attempt suicide.
But most shockingly of all, those who have six ACEs or more can have a life expectancy 20 years lower than those who have none.
Different perceptions of love
ACEs have been found to be associated with insecure attachment styles in adulthood. So those who have faced childhood trauma in the absence of a caring and nurturing adult, may still experience intimate relationships but love very differently.
Before I came across the ACEs study, I noticed oddities in my relationship with my current partner. Although my boyfriend and I share similar morals and interests, in some instances, his childhood experiences felt like the complete opposite from mine.
Though he works tirelessly to better himself and help his family, a quality I deeply admire in him, there are times where we feel worlds apart. I eventually came to realise that his perception of love differed from mine because of his lack of exposure to it.
How childhood trauma affects relationships
“Affection used to feel alien to me and I would often feel there was an ulterior motive. There was a sense of numbness and confusion of its origin. I didn’t understand what this attention was and I was almost unable to identify with it. I felt undeserving of love.”
Emotional disconnection used to be a common occurrence with my boyfriend. His pragmatic thinking and bluntness, a character trait I find amusing at times, led him to wonder whether he was potentially on the autism spectrum. But when reflecting on all of his relationships he recognised he wanted a “female to look after me and for me to look after someone to give me validation”.
In the past, he often felt like he was being clingy and attention seeking for speaking and sharing his thoughts. In reality, we were simply having a normal two-way conversation. Even now, he’s still hesitant to speak at times and would rather listen but he’s learning.
However, what gets at me is his relationship with empathy. Empathy is a concept he understands but very rarely feels. This sometimes leaves me feeling frustrated because he doesn’t know how to respond to a situation that may annoy me, and in return, leaves him feeling isolated.
Luckily, my mum (who’s a psychologist) introduced us both to the ACEs study. Together, we learnt how childhood abuse and neglect impacts children’s developing brains, which can lead to distorted beliefs about themselves, others and the world around them.
It all started to make sense. Yet it left the question, what do we do next?
Steps to take
“By researching ACEs I had a better understanding of why I often feel different and struggle with what would seem like routine actions. Through learning I started to accept myself. I know I wouldn’t have been able to gain this understanding without support.”
Our brains have ‘neuro-plasticity’. This is the brain’s ability to re-wire in response to new learning and experiences. Love, care and nurture are essential during childhood for us to form constructive interpersonal relationships, and feel safe and secure in the world around us. We learn to behave in ways to elicit positive responses from others and be reflective, caring and empathetic.
Thus, adults have the ability to combat how childhood trauma affects relationships, and in turn develop new thoughts, feelings and behaviours towards healthy intimate ones. It will take a lot longer as an adult but with patience and persistence, much of the damage can be improved over time.
Final thoughts
This is not to blame parents for the types of relationship problems we have as adults. Or even excuse the ill-treatment inflicted by a partner who has suffered from physically or emotionally abusive circumstances as a child. Yes, ACEs explains how childhood trauma affects relationships in adulthood. But as adults we have the ability to create changes within ourselves and our behaviours within relationships.
Finally, I am no relationship expert. Perhaps I’m a little naive but I understand am not my boyfriend’s councillor. I’m not a plaster to help heal his wounds but a willingness to learn by being patient and supportive is what I can bring to the table. Overall, I think what’s really needed is a mutual, genuine level of respect and understanding that everyone is deserving of love.
For more information on ACEs, please watch Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris’ TED Talk.
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Written by Amelia Benjamin
Illustrated by Francesca Mariama
