Secondary school is a tumultuous time for teenagers, and for teenage girls, friendships are one of the hardest parts. Friendships between women generally feel higher maintenance than friendships between men, even in adolescence. They tend to involve a lot of competition, from who has the best outfit or who is the smartest to who is liked the most by that boy everyone fancies. The trouble is this competition isn’t friendly and can turn ugly.
Girls are inclined to stick together like a flock of birds because of social pressures. The forced narrative of ‘girl power’ has been rampant in the media in recent years, causing many young girls to abide by it. The dreaded fear of isolation has kept us trained to maintain friendships that do not serve us even into adulthood. You’d think as an adult the cattiness and friendship politics would end, but it doesn’t in many cases. It may have been more obvious in the school playground, but now it’s on social media and in the workplace.
A study by the Workplace Bullying Institute found that women are bullied up to 80 per cent of the time by other women in the workplace. But girl power is the way forward right? Social media constantly bombards us with images of girl squads and girls living their best lives. Naturally, the fear of missing out comes creeping in, and you forget all the cons of girl groups.
Scrolling through my social media, I discovered up until last year, I was that girl. It was only this year when I reached my mid-20s and decided I no longer cared about having a large girl group.
More to friendship than school friends
I lay in bed, analysing the friends I had, and it came down to one thing: I had made these relationships outside of school. School friendships proved to be difficult to maintain during GCSEs and A-Levels, as the girl groups were large. We were friends more so out of convenience, and those that remained close did so because of common interests.
Leaving school felt like a blessing and a curse in that department because I had to start fresh in a new town with strangers. This time, we all had a common interest: journalism. In this new environment, I realised I had more in common with my fellow 18-year-old journos than school friends. Realising this made me okay with my smaller trio friend group. It was relaxing, even. But how did I become ‘okay’ with it?
Self-reflection and social media limitation
To get to this point, I needed a period of self-reflection. I sat down for a long time and thought about why I needed a large girl group. Mostly, it came down to seeking validation from others and worrying about what they thought (hello, remerging teenage insecurities!). As vain as it sounded, being disliked was always an insecurity of mine. Considering I’m not introverted, it seems strange, but in social situations with new people, I’d always find I wanted to be liked by them, especially by other girls.
Social media also played a part in warping my mind in this area, so I limited who I followed online. Healing through my screen was what I called it, and boy did it do a number on me! Comparison is the thief of joy, and by unfollowing these girl group influencers, I wasn’t comparing my friendships with their own. Unfollowing also allowed me to reflect, recenter, and recognise the value in the friendships I already have. Wanting social media friendships like Syd and Ell or The Girdies became a thing of the past!
Distinguishing between acquaintances and friends
I noticed these influencers were social butterflies, labelling each other with the trademark ‘bestie’ label. Reflecting on this label, I understood more often than not, these famous friendship groups I aspired to were for business purposes. Influencers profit off of collaborations with brands and each other, so it makes sense that many of their friendships are manufactured for financial benefit. Therefore, seeing what they post on their socials, all the brunches, brand trips and glamorous nights out, showed me that it’s just that: content. The entire purpose of an influencer is to show an aspirational lifestyle to their followers. They may claim they are relatable, but once I saw through this, I stopped idolising this material definition of friendship.
I made friends online
Once upon a time, I ran a fan account. As much as it cringes me out, it was a blessing in disguise because I met one of my really good friends there, who I’ve been friends with for eight years. Limiting social scrolling time is great to avoid comparison, but joining communities with like-minded people on social media can be a gateway to making beautiful friendships. This helped me to get over not having a big girl group because I met people who had the same passions that I did. Starting conversations was easy, and we’d talk for hours about our favourite influencers and TV shows. I never had that with my school friends, and it was refreshing to enjoy something so loudly without the fear of judgment.
Friendship can serve many purposes and your connections vary. Seeking out different connections allowed me to engage in each friendship differently and to appreciate everyone differently. That appreciation helped to build deeper connections and aided in prolonging those treasured friendships.
Nurturing the friendships I already had
As I have grown, attended university and worked various jobs, my and my friends’ schedules have changed. Adulthood is the ultimate test of friendship, and trying to align my schedule with my corporate girlie friends was a nightmare. If, at this point, I’d had a big girl group, we would have drifted anyway.
Focusing on my university and long-term friendships was easier said than done, but I did it! Planning outings, keeping in contact and fitting in time to call were how I nurtured those relationships. Of course, this had to be mutual on both of our parts, but putting in that effort firsthand ensured I received equal effort back. I compared it to the difficulty of maintaining friendships in a big girl group because of scheduling conflicts and how overwhelming checking in with everyone was.
Weighing the pros and cons
Admittedly, the pros and cons list appeared when I really thought about a big girl group. The outcome: the cons outweighed the pros. Communicating in a girl group can be hard. Constant group chat messages and differing opinions are exhausting. Things also often felt cliquey for me, with some friends transforming into twosomes and trios right before my eyes. While not present in most of the groups I had, during my teenage years, the dramas that did occur affected everyone in the group.
This may not be the case for all girls, but after considering all of these points, I realised that I didn’t actually want a large girl group at all. Age had changed my perspective because, as an adult, I had a very different outlook on friendship. Now, I see friendship as a gift rather than a necessity. I view it as a mutual experience between people who can bring something to each other’s lives. Things such as stimulating conversation, emotional support and advice, empowerment and companionship. The bottom line? The sisterhood of few is much greater than the sisterhood of many.
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Written by Sophie Humphrey
