We are just over sixth months. We’ve made it past the halfway point. And I’ve met someone.
They are incredible. They are communicative, reassuring, passionate, funny, sassy, and 100% fuck yes about me. At least, that’s what I know to be true when my anxieties aren’t driving the car.
I’m sober. And I have a sponsor. She isn’t a therapist or an all-knowing guru or a cult leader or anything. But she does help guide me on what taking the next right action looks like. She’s also the person who helped me to see how this romance free year may be holding me back from growth.
I don’t date. Not seriously. Not ever.
My therapist believes I’m in the top 1% of badass societal humans. She is constantly reminding me that the pool of equally awesome peeps is far smaller over here on this side of the bell curve.
In recent years, I’ve dipped my toe in, met a potential candidate, then discovered in a matter of weeks that we weren’t the best fit. Then I feel defeated and ultimately decide to give up on the whole dating thing altogether. This has been my pattern. And patterns don’t often serve me.
So, I downloaded an app. Bumble to be specific. I matched with folks, had conversations—for those of you that wish to know, my go-to conversation starter for any app is what do you dip your chicken nuggets in—then I saw his profile and I physically sat up in bed.
This is very much a, “you had to be there moment.” And I both acknowledge and apologize for that. We ended up talking on the phone for 15+ hours. Then FaceTime for 12+ hours the very next day. And then he decided the pace wasn’t working for him and I didn’t take too kindly to that response.
My whole life I have been told I’m too much.
That the speed at which I operate emotionally is a problem. Except, a few days later, he came back. We started talking again. I tried to listen to his needs more and not let my anxieties rule me. We ultimately ended up meeting, only to learn that we’ve never fit this well with anyone ever before.
But then I did what I always do, I pushed. I have anxious attachment, which is defined as, “a type of insecure attachment style rooted in a fear of abandonment and an insecurity of being underappreciated.” Sexy, I know.
So, this level of fear has manifested in me trying to rush things. I rush the fun first steps in a relationship, friendship, job, etc. I feel as though the more boxes I can check the more secure the whole thing is, which ultimately helps me to feel safer. This isn’t all that true seeing as how even when you get married folks can still dip at literally anytime.
He expressed that the pace at which we were moving wasn’t working for him and rather than listen, I pushed. I did so not all that intentionally and most certainly not to be harmful or disrespectful, but because it’s my pattern and patterns are hard to break.
Now, he is currently sleeping as I write this essay out and I’m hoping we can walk through this rough moment together. I’m praying that this is a pothole and not a road closure. But I have also been reminding myself for the past 12-hours that this will either work or it won’t work. Those are the two options. And me stressing about the outcome not only takes away from the enjoyment of the process, but it strips away any chance of serenity I have in the now.
I genuinely love this man.
I love him in the way people paint French cobblestones at 4 a.m. because the light is just too good not to capture. This is a ‘write you love letters and drive all hours of the night to see him’ sort of love and there is no rush.
I say all of this because maybe you have patterns that no longer serve you. Maybe you feel unlovable or have had far too many people claim that you are too much.
I want you to know that that is not true. You will never be too much of anything for a person who loves you for you.
You, exactly as you are in this moment, are worthy of love.
And even if he and I are mistaken and realize later down the road that this wasn’t what we thought it was, then it will have been a beautiful ride filled with what I’m sure are undeniable lessons. I have never not been able to wear my heart on my sleeve. And I will continue writing this series because I truly get a lot out of it and maybe you, whoever you are, do too.
For now, know that love is wild, heavy, breathtaking, free, miraculous, tumultuous, and worth it. I promise you; the lessons are always worth it.
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Written by Tori Muzyk
Illustrated by Francesca Mariama
