If you had been on social media in 2020 there’s no doubt you probably saw the term ‘pick me’ circulating the social stratosphere. If you hadn’t, I’m sure you discovered it when the hashtag #tweetlikeapickme invaded Twitter in January this year.
What you didn’t know is that ‘pick me’ is by no means a recent term. In the 90s, the phrase ‘a man’s woman’ was coined. ‘They weren’t like other girls’, which they showed by presenting themselves as seemingly perfect sex symbols that were still somehow relatable enough to be ‘one of the guys’. Sound familiar? Whether you call it, a ‘man’s woman’, ‘pick me girl’ or a ‘Pickmesisha’, it’s evident that this trope has been around for decades.
What is a ‘pick me’ anyway?
A ‘pick me’ is a woman who plays up qualities that are generally desired by men and uses them to her benefit. Now, this is somewhat unavoidable because let’s face it, we live in a cis-gendered, patriarchal society, where most things are catered towards the male gaze. However, being a ‘pick me’ is pretty much altering oneself, appearance, interests and beliefs to better appeal to men whilst simultaneously putting down your female counterparts.
The dangers of ‘pick me’ culture
Besides the fact that it is blood boilingly irritating to hear that girl at a party say, “I’m not like other girls, I love beer. Wine and cocktails are so girly” or “I only have guy friends, girls are so bitchy”. The danger of ‘pick me’ behaviour is that it teaches women that men are the key to self-acceptance. That we should only feel self-worth when deemed worthy by a man.
Worst of all, it makes us internalise the idea of unhealthy, asymmetrical relationships. These women burn themselves out going above and beyond to fit a mans ideal, regardless of what he brings to the table. And they make it seem like the standard. However, that’s but one side of this phenomenon.
If there’s one thing that ‘pick me’ girls do is that they get on the wrong side of other women. The problem is, ‘pick me’ rhetoric is self-deprecating. It boils the female gender down to shallow stereotypes, whilst shaming women for fitting into some of them and not others.
90s feminists even argued that they worked directly against the feminist movement. And in our generation, this has caused a knock-on effect, to the point of creating a hypersensitive generation of women that brand any female who deviates from the mainstream a ‘pick me’. So while they are playing the ‘cool girl’ that you can take home to mum, other women with fringe interests take the brunt of the chaos ‘pick mes’ have caused.
Life as an unintentional pick me
Growing up the youngest of two older brothers and with multiple male cousins, I was surrounded by a sea of testosterone. Those were my peers. So naturally, my interests were different from the girls around me. They learned dances; I learned how to powerbomb someone off the top rope like John Cena. They played with makeup, I played with Yu-gi-oh cards and Beyblades. Honestly, I found it hard to relate to girls my age.
It also felt like I had an exclusive backstage pass to the inner workings of the male psyche at a very young age. I hadn’t realised that I was internalising the things that were said during ‘guy talk’. But subconsciously, I was making a checklist of what not to do and more importantly, who not to be.
When high school finally came around, genders began to mix. It was suddenly cool that I knew who all the avengers were ten years before the movies had come out. I had found my niche and I was damned if I wasn’t gonna work it into every conversation. I had become a fully-fledged ‘pick me’.
But therein lies the problem, ‘pick me’ behaviour is usually steeped in insecurity. Whether it be me, showcasing the things that I was excluded for when I was younger. Sarah feeling the need to continuously prove her worth to men. Or Stacy, who constantly compares herself to other women, so puts them down to make herself feel better. It all stems from the self.
Unity
The next time you find yourself ready to call out a ‘pick me’, consider the fact that you’re about to highlight another female in a public arena; differentiate yourself from her and put her down altogether. You’re guilty of the very thing you hate and that’s what makes this culture so toxic.
‘Pick me’ culture tears women apart. We have so much working against us in this world, we should be uplifting one another. That goes for ‘pick mes’ throwing other women under the bus to uplift themselves; the women who accuse each other of attention-seeking merely for being different, or men who thrive on the dichotomy itself.
In a world where Greta Thunberg and Megan Thee Stallions can both flourish as female icons, surely we can stop judging each other and appreciate our differences. There is no right way to be a woman.
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Written by Marisa Mullings
Illustrated by Francesca Mariama
Aww thanks for the feedback I’m glad that the article helped, it’s definitely hard to define.
I’ve never heard the term “pick me” but I’ve seen it and not known the wording to use for it. I feel educated, thank you!